QuiverX Newsletter - Friend or Foe

Parenting

As promised, this will be the beginning of a discussion about preteens. I thought that since preteens and teenagers are so complex, that I would give each age group a couple of articles.
I don't know if you remember being in Junior High school. I do. I think the hardest year of school is 7th grade. Being a 12 year old is no piece of cake. You aren't quite grown up yet, but you want to be. And yet you still want to act like a child, and often do, in spite of all your efforts to act like a teenager. The "in between-ness" of the 11-13 year old age group is the hardest part about it, for both the child and the parent.

The child spends a lot of time trying to act older than they are. Girls want to start wearing makeup. Boys are trying to act cool like the teenage boys do. They seem to be trying to become older overnight by sheer force of will. And their parents find themselves shocked and running to catch up. They are still trying to get used to the idea that their child isn't so much of a child anymore and suddenly they are faced with all sorts of issues to deal with. They are inundated with requests to stay out later or watch this movie. They begin to hear music they didn't hear before, or see clothing they don't like. And the constant mantra of "But so and so is allowed to do this or that" is heard throughout the house.

One thing I learned very quickly when our daughter turned 11 years old was that we needed to form a new way of interacting with each other. I couldn't expect to dictate her every move anymore. I could control her before, but I realized that within a few short years she would be completely outside of my control. She would be an adult. Yikes! I realized that I needed to stop fighting the developmental phase she was in and embrace it, turning it to my own purpose.
So I worked hard to build a relationship with my daughter that was not so much a parent-child relationship but also included the foundation for a long lasting friendship. Not that I wasn't acting in authority over her, but more that I was trying to get to know her, as a friend would, and letting her get to know me the same way. It was weird at first, but I think it was completely worth the effort.

Some of the things we did were to talk about non-confrontational issues. We'd talk about her dreams for the future. We'd talk about what life was like for me as a kid. And after we had an argument (which was often - don't get me wrong here), we'd sit down and talk about it. I'd explain to her that she only had a short time to learn so many important things, and that I cared about her so much that I was trying really hard to teach her what she needed to know. My daughter is a very application-based learner, meaning that she wants to know WHY she has to learn this or that, and when she understands the application of something, she learns quickly and remembers the material. So we spent lots of time explaining why things were important in the big picture of her life, and talking about what life skills she would need when she reached adulthood.

Of course, this didn't prevent all the fights and disagreements, but it went a long way toward making them constructive instead of destructive. And it built the relationship, which was the most important thing in my mind. I knew that she would come to times when she needed advice about something truly serious, and I wanted her to be comfortable enough with me to talk to me and not just her same-aged friends. I remember what it was like to get advice from friends who were equally immature and who couldn't give me any valuable input. I didn't want her to have to rely on that - I wanted her to have a resource with some life experience. It worked, for the most part. Not perfectly, but that's ok. Nothing is perfect except God, and He is big enough to use our mistakes for good in spite of us.

Next time I'll talk about one of the biggest strategies for dealing with preteens and teenagers.


Homeschooling

Well, it's October now. Most of you who homeschool have been going for several weeks now. This is a good time to take a quick breath and look around at how things are going. For me, I'm still trying to get into the rhythm, but it's coming along. My kids are almost done complaining about how much work I give them, having found that it doesn't benefit them any, so now they are focusing on what schedule they want to follow in completing everything. They seem to prefer to play around most of the morning and work harder in the afternoon, which is fine with me. The afternoons are quieter since my little guys are napping, so we can focus more closely on the schoolwork.

We're getting there, though. My plan to introduce the little guys to the schedule and manipulatives early has worked pretty well. They actually got tired of the manipulatives I need to use with school pretty quickly, which lets us use them without getting mobbed by preschoolers who want to play too. I've been using a toy-rotation strategy since then. I have several bins with miscellaneous toys in the kids' bedrooms. I have started pulling one of these out into the living room for the little guys to explore. I leave it out for a day or two, then switch it for another bin of toys. That keeps the exploration fresh and keeps the children busy playing. It's left my living room quite a mess most days, but it's worth it to be able to school without too many interruptions.

I guess for me getting organized comes in layers. First we follow the schedule even if nothing gets done. Then we are actually accomplishing what we're supposed to during the time scheduled. Then I get better at being prepared before the day starts, which is when I really feel like things are humming along. Right now I'm trying to get into the habit of printing or copying all the sheets for the week on Sundays, so they are all ready to go on Monday morning. I think that will help Mondays be less crazy. Then I'll work on adding my daily chores back into the schedule. That will help my evenings and weekends run more smoothly.

If you have been having trouble with schooling this year, I hope you will take heart. It does take some time to get into the swing of things, depending on how many little ones you have. But you can do it. Take it one piece at a time, have some patience, and ask God for wisdom as you go. It'll come together! If you have had a really good start of the year, please email me and let me know. I'd love to share some of your tips!


Quick Tip

KISS - Keep It Super Simple

Usually in this newsletter, we talk about things relating to having many children. This Quick Tip is more directed at our marriages. Remember, your family will run much smoother if both parents are working together. If you are fighting with your spouse, you won't be working together effectively. If there is a lingering discontentment in your marriage, it will cause increased stress level in your home that will effect everything, including your children.

So, one of the best ways to maintain a healthy marriage is to take time alone together. This doesn't have to be a date where you get a baby sitter and spend a lot of money. It can be as simple as putting the kids to bed early so you have time to spend time together for a bit. However it works for you, try to get time alone together with your spouse.

Another thing you can do is to flirt with your spouse a bit. Every wife likes her husband to give her compliments, even if they are little ones. Many will be happy with a simple rose brought for no reason or some other small gift. Most husbands like it if his wife flirts with him. You can catch his eye and wink at him across the room, or leave him little notes. They can be encouraging notes or maybe something a bit spicier. I've heard of some wives who leave messages on their husband's voicemail or even send text messages. Be creative!

However you and your spouse work it out, make sure you set aside some time for each other. Your home will have more peace, your children will be happier, and your marriage will be strong. You might not be able to imagine life after all your kids grow up and move out, but the time will come eventually. You can invest a little time now so that when it's just the two of you again, things will be good!


Prov 5:18 (NKJV)"Let your fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of your youth."